My head and my heart are in constant battle. I just don't even know which to turn to. It's so cliche, but there's no other way to put it.

I feel like a fucking pathetic, loser, idiot that I have to come on here to just a get a few words out.

I'm just going to make a list to make it easier on everyone.

Bad gf who doesn't like talking to her long distance bf on the phone or video chat, at least?

Bad "best" friend who just plain sucks and let the friendship go to shit.

Bad daughter who hates her own family apparently.

Bad student who is too worn out to try anymore.

Who even knows what else I'm shitty at, but that seems like a pretty good start. Can't wait for the long weekend of relaxation. What is that anyway?

Giving up is so much easier
But trying would be so much more worth it.
Hope I can handle this.

Don't look back, you can never look back

Wouldn't it be great to live with no regrets. Some people can do it, but I am absolutely not one of them. I regret more than I even do. Sometimes I'm even ashamed of my thoughts.
I regret and feel guilty for things that 90% of the time I should not feel that way for.
I have so much to look forward to, yet I have even more to look back on.

I am yours and you are mine.

Conversations with old friends/flings are always so interesting. You always go back to what happened, why, who said what, how things could have been.  As much as each person changes some things stay the same.  

I've been thinking a lot about how things could have been with different people. In some cases moving too fast, in others too slow.  Friends zone vs. strictly hook up.  It's so weird. There's no one right way to do things. 

In other words, thinking too much about things that a. don't matter anymore and b. nothing can be done about.

More so, wasting my thoughts.

The same things I think I do wrong at times that drives them away, other times I wish I had done to make them stay.

I still don't know what to think about anything.

Blast or bust. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

Dreaming is my all the time

I had the funniest dream last. I've decided to write it in here.

I was at Meijer with my mom and she kept asking me what I needed to get and the only thing I wanted was a new loofa.  Then Courtney was there and she needed to check out, so while she was checking out I was just wandering around when I bumped into Joel Madden, a Meijer employee.  Then he started talking to me and we both going through the CD rack and came across the NFG album and I told him he should come to the show.  Then he and I were walking around and his shift ended and he went to go get his jacket to leave.  I met back up with Court and told her what happened and she got very, very upset.  Cassie's mom was there and Courtney was yelling at her being like "You haven't met him! You have to go meet him!"  And that's as much of it as I can remember.

LOL

I feel like shit for no reason. Maybe it's all the possible judgements people could/are probably passing about me.  Especially the people who shouldn't.

Or maybe it's the weather. I'll just say it's that.

It's disgusting to me how something so miniscule can put a damper on my whole day. 

And make everything else feel and seem like shit too.

Why do I ever let myself think that there's something special. Nothing is ever what it seems.

I'm shitty.

Rain, rain, go away

Things are weird.

Everything is awkward.

Huey and I are awkward magnets. 

School is almost over. 5 weeks after tomorrow is ov

er with.

So much to do, so little time.

I just need summer.

Then everything will be okay.

Maybe I won't feel so left out of everything.

Maybe I won't be so confused anymore.

Maybe thinking summer will fix everything I think about is illogical.

I made this kite last night:

And this is what it looks like when you grow flowers and forget to water them:

Mmmm

So today has been wonderful.  Been avoiding homework all day.  The weather was absolutely incredible. Just been hanging out and not giving a fuck about anything. Yay.

Spring break was nice.  Birthday was good.

Speaking of my birthday, check out what the bestie painted fo' me:

The coffee in this thing is going to help me through the night.

Bitching

Sick, bloated as fuck, and hating absolutely everything. Except Watchmen, loved that.

The only possible thing I might enjoy about this trip is if weather.com is accurate and it will actually be 70 degrees.  

Today is okay.

I just got these awesome new flower things.  They are so awesome! Can't wait for them to blossom.

I'm having a pretty awesome day thus far. The sun makes me happy.  Now if only it were warm...

Watch me disappear

I'm so tired!

Not getting close to enough sleep lately...well, ever.

I finally finished the drawing for which I posted the original picture a couple weeks ago.

I guess it turned out okay.  I'm still really shitty at drawing but WAY better than I was in the beginning of the year.

Spring break is in 3 days not counting today. I absolutely can not wait.  

Tennessee...I guess I'm as excited as I could be to be around 14 drinking minors in a cabin rented under my parent's name. 8 of which are guys who plan on going into town and finding "bitches."

I should probably just not go haha.

My hand hurts from drawing, but here is how it came out:

Further distracting myself

Every week I feel like I will have an easier load.

Every week I am very much wrong.

This is how I feel about writing a paper in 6 hours, doing a drawing for 6 hours that isn't done, 2 exhibition reviews, and an abstract rib cage out of wood that is also not done yet:

Decisions, decisions

Is it worth taking a nap only to have to wake up in 3 hours and act as a productive member of society?

The harder I try to not care about anything, the more little things bug me.  Funny how that works.

This is my next drawing for class haha

I'm a miserable mess/shell of a person.

I miss the warmth of the summerrrrr

Thursday was awesome.

Friday was pretty damn good too.

I knew two good days/moods in a row were way too good to be true.

Saturday was instantly fucked when my car slid into a huge parking block and took off the bottom half of my bumper.  Which is very disappointing because it was a potentially good day with a few good things planned.  The car thing just really put a damper on things.  And then random, insignificant things just kept bringing me lower and lower.

Still not recovered.  

I made another collage for school that I don't mind.

Shall we try this again?If I remember correctly, it's been over a month since I've last posted in there.  I don't really know why.  I seem to have time to waste away on the internet but not time to do my homework, or clean my room, or look for another job, or any of the things that I actually should be doing.  What is the comfort we find on here?  I feel as though it's the complete opposite.  I sit on here for hours staring at useless human beings.  I see all these stupid girls with their fake tans and their trendy clothes and trendy friends and just wonder if people actually like them.  As bad as I sometimes feel about judging people like that I know that someone out there is doing the same thing to me.  Human nature is kind of fucked up, isn't it?

Anyways, I really can't seem to find a way to get out of my head.  I need a tangible journal so I can just let it out without anyone ever seeing it.  But then again, I think some satisfaction in letting it all out is that someone has read it and knows 

what you think.

I also haven't taken pictures in a really long time.  Ones that I actually want to take.  I never carry my camera around or anything.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm in fucking school for this and I just won't do it.  I hate taking pictures with anyone around.  I feel like I'm being so judged for it.  

Maybe I'm just sick of being judged and questioned about everything I do and say.

I just want to live alone with my furniture next year.  

Yesterday I wasted a lot of time going through pictures and remembering fun times.  Here's to that:

Drowning in self pity

How masochistic we are

I torture myself with you

It was really hard for me to decide whether or not to post in here.

I feel like no matter what I say is going to come off angsty and stupid so I'm trying to avoid that. 

I almost hit a deer driving home today and thought it was a huge dog.  I considered getting out of my car and trying to pet it but I decided it was too cold outside.

I did have an excellent dream the other night in which I did it with my impossible crush on a boat of a beautiful beach somewhere tropical.  Fantastic.

I'm dreading going back to school. I don't want a new fucking roommate, don't want classes, and midterms, and finals, and reviews, and homework, and setting my alarm to wake up, and never seeing my friends, and being miserable.

Summer, please come to me.

Is winter almost over yet? My skin is not having a good time with you, frigid cold air.